I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
