I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
