so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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