Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
