So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
