Life is so much better after having sex.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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