if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
