Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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