He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
