I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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