I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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