so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
