He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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