A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
