Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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