Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
