conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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