The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
