There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
