dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
