She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
