I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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