and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
