i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
