I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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