My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
you made out with another girl for some wings
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
