im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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