When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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