My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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