What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
