i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
