gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
