when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
