i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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