I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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