Someone shit on the floor
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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