also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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