but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
