Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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