do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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