What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
