i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
