Umm I'm too high to move.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
