Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
