So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
