it hurts more in the daytime
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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