That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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