Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
