soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize