you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
