that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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