I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
