just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
