my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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