Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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