You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
