you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
