My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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