Pants 0. Shit 1.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
