Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
