He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
