i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I love you.
Bad choice
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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