what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
