I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
