You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
