Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
