So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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