Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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